Hey, sweet readers! Look, another pitch!
I'm so pleased to be a host for Pitch On! It's an opportunity for writers across the internet to pitch an editor. The hosts are critiquing individual pitches on their blogs, and in a couple weeks they'll all go up on Down Under Wonderings or YATopia to be perused by Marisa Pintado of Hardie Grant Edgmont!
Exciting, no?
Time for my brave writer to get her Pitch On!*
Exciting, no?
Time for my brave writer to get her Pitch On!*
Name: Anabel Gonzalez
Country of residence: Mexico
Title: Glowing Shadow
Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
Word count: 81,000
Pitch: A genius girl with the curse of being an emphat and broadcasting her feelings to everyone finds a bigger curse in Madrid. There she needs to fight along a glowing shadow to rescue her brother and stay alive from the shadows that hunt her, while she convinces him that he deserves to love.
Welcome, Anabel! So glad you landed on my blog.
I LOVE the concept of empaths - one of my CPs wrote a whole book about them! Good stuff.
I would LOVE to know some basic info about your main character - especially her name, since that helps us identify with her right off the bat.
I'd also love to see a punchier first line. Something like, "Sixteen year old empath Anabel thinks broadcasting her feelings to everyone is the biggest curs possible - untili she gets to Madrid."
I'd also love to get the information that her brother has been abducted/is in danger right up front, since that would give us a sense of conflict and mission right away.
Also, why are shadows hunting her? Have they always been doing so? Are they only after her now that she wants to rescue her brother? If so, why is he so special?
I'm also confused as to why her brother's deserving to love is part of the conflict. If you can tie up all those answers in the allotted space, great - otherwise, consider what info you REALLY need to communicate in a pitch to sell the book's concept without being dishonest.
This sounds like such a cool concept! Best of luck!
*Please leave your critiques, comments, and encouragement below! Thanks!
I agree with Leigh Ann. I'd love to see more specific detail about the main character. I know it's tough to do in such a short space, but give me a reason to care about what happens to her!
ReplyDeleteThe glowing shadow bit was confusing to me. I'm not sure what happens in Madrid or why she's even there.
Thak you Leigh for posting my pitch and for your suggestions!
ReplyDeleteVeronica thank you too!
I'm posting here a new version of it to see what you think:
Eighteen year old emphat Muriel Blythe thinks being a freaky genius that can broadcast her feelings to everyone is the biggest curse possible -- until she moves to Madrid to protect her family from it. There strange shadows hunt her and she finds protection with a bullheaded man that’s like a glowing shadow. Now she has to convince him he deserves to love her while they find why the shadows want her soul.
Good Pitch Anabel, and you already know how much I love this book. Remember you have to keep it under 70 words - I didn't check the word count. But I think drop the bit about her brother - that doesn't happen until much later in the book. The pitch is like a query, it should concentrate on the first 50 or so pages - up until the first plot point that changes everything. I also dropped the bit about protecting her family. I know that it's important to the story, but I don't think it's important to this pitch, it just raises more questions that you don't have the space to answer. Its ok to say she goes to Madrid without explaining why. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteEighteen year old Muriel is an empath. She thinks being a freaky genius who can broadcast her feelings to others is the biggest curse possible - until she moves to Madrid. Where strange shadow's hunt her until she's rescued by a Glowing Shadow of a man, who takes her into his protection. Now she has to convince him he deserves her love her while they discover why the shadows want her soul.
Thank you Stacey! It's hard to make a short pitch.
DeleteOk, so an interesting concept to start with.
ReplyDeleteI definitely prefer the second pitch, but I think there are still a couple of little problems.
First grammar wise I think it should be 'genius who' not 'genius that'
I would end the sentence after move to madrid - I'm not sure it's essential to mention protecting her family, for this it's enough to know that Madrid is where the story really begins.
Again, my problem with the last big is the grammar and wording more than anything, it feels a little awkward. 'Protection with' doesn't sound right, I'm not sure what it should be though. And again it should be bull-headed man 'who's like a glowing shadow.
I think with some tightening though this could be a really intriguing pitch.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting premise but I must admit that it doesn't hook me enough as the storyline feels a little vague and I don't get a strong idea of who the character is and why I should root for them. The whole part about the shadow and the bullheaded man didn't make a lot of sense to me. I'd like to see this clarified so that I don't have to read it two or three times to work out what is happening. Good luck with this.
thank you N.S. Dorrington and Book Omnivore!
ReplyDeleteI made another one, let's see if this one works:
Eighteen year old emphat Muriel Blythe thinks being a freaky genius who can broadcast her feelings to everyone is the biggest curse possible -- until she moves to Madrid. There strange shadows hunt her until she’s rescued by a stubborn man that metamorphoses into a glowing shadow. Now she has to convince him he deserves to love her while they find why the shadows want her soul.
Oh that's much better! Less confusing, and definitely tighter and smoother to read.
ReplyDeleteI still think it needs to be 'man who' rather than 'man that'. Just a little grammar thing but I'm fairly sure that's right. If you were talking about an object that transforms it would be 'that' but when referring to a person I'm pretty sure it's 'who'.
Otherwise this sounding really good!
Yay! Thank you for all your help.did you sent a pitch? I'd like to help you too
DeleteThe revision is great, Anabel. I agree with N.S.'s grammar correction, and I'd also add a comma after There in the second sentence, but otherwise, well done! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Larissa!
Delete