Monday, October 17, 2011

A Questionnaire for Potential Crit Partners

Are you worried about whether the critique partner you've just met is the right match for your needs? Relax. I've devised a simple eight-question survey to determine if you are a good match.

(You're looking for as many matching answers as possible. There is no right or wrong here.*)

Have fun!



1. What time do you go to bed at night/wake up in the morning?

  • Morning Person
  • Night Owl
  • I never sleep. 

2. How comfortable are you talking about your personal life?

  • Not at all. This relationship is about writing and writing only.
  • Once we get to know each other, I might leak some personal details.
  • I will tell you about my religious beliefs, deepest darkest fears, and sex life right now.

3. How do you feel about sending and receiving care packages?

  • I would probably call the bomb squad if I got one from you.
  • Only if it relates to our interactions as critique partners - for example, a book we discussed.
  • I just sent you one that weighed twenty pounds. It includes some homemade cookies and a set of jim-jams I thought you'd like.

4. Are you comfortable gushing about how wonderful my book/writing skills/general person when I'm in the lowest of the drafting/revising/querying trenches?

  • I really don't want to inflate your ego. I'll be one hundred percent honest with you, even when self-doubt is at its worst.
  • If I feel really sorry for you, I'll give you as much hand-holding as I can muster.
  • You are the best author I know. I can't believe you don't have an agent yet. Wait. What was the question?
5. If I send you a panicked email about a minuscule detail in my query letter, how will you respond?
  • I'll brush it off as quickly as possible. Talent speaks for itself, and that query letter isn't going to make a difference in whether you get an agent.
  • I'll respond about the distinction between the "or" and the "and" in that sentence, once, but after that I'll ignore you. Chill the eff out.
  • I will drop everything to analyze every word with you until you calm down/your query letter sparkles like it's meant to. This is important!

6. Can I come stay at your house if I feel like taking a vacation?

  • No. Never ask me that again.
  • Maybe. If I decide you're not too weird.
  • Absolutely. And I will cook for you, leave chocolates on your pillow, and scent your bedsheets with lavender. How soon can you get here?
7. If I'm having a really bad day, will you email me a kissing scene and/or near miss scene and/or sex scene from your WiP to cheer me up?
  • Why would a kissing/near-miss/sex scene cheer you up? Are you some kind of pervert?
  • I don't really feel comfortable sharing details of what I'm working on, but for you I might.
  • I'll send you three kissing scenes right now, just in case.

8. Can I have your phone number to save in my speed dial under "In Case of Catastrophic Agent Rejection?"

  • No. Are you kidding? That is freaky.
  • If you promise to call only if you really, really need to.
  • I thought you'd never ask. Here's my work number too. 

*I lied. The last answer is always the right one.

20 comments:

  1. HAHAHA!! Want to hear something funny? My husband is super snobby about eating food cooked by strangers - even at parties we go to he'll ask who made what before he'll put anything in his mouth (because, you know, their kitchens might be infested with cockroaches or something.) Yet, when your cookies came in the mail, he dug right in as I stood there with my mouth on the floor. Then he shrugged and said, "What? She's your friend. I trust her."

    That pretty much says it right there.

    And yes, if you ever come to stay, I'd be all Martha Stewart about your bedroom. Come on down.

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  2. XDDD

    "I will tell you about my religious beliefs, deepest darkest fears, and sex life right now."

    If they DON'T answer this, I have to wonder about the dedication of the person in question. And if either of you guys ever come to visit, I'm gonna go out and buy some Andes mints and put them on your pillows EVERY. DAY. (And then once you see them I'll probably come back to eat them because Andes mints are the shit.)

    Everyone needs to answer this. Also: "ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR" is an inappropriate tag. You need to edit it to say "IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH, GET A SENSE OF HUMOR."

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  3. My CP is definitely all C's. :D

    My first crit group was all A's. I didn't last long there. The one I formed was mostly Bs. That one ended (though a number of us are still friends).

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  4. @Gina - Okay, That story about Dom confirms we really are friends. Eek, I'm flattered!

    @Chessie - Yeah. I think that people must not really believe the three of us when I say we've never actually met. Or spoken.

    @Stina - Wow! So you've had experience with all three! I knew there was something to this....

    Back to my creeper hole. :)

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  5. lol People have said they're surprised we've never actually met? XDD That's awesome.

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  6. This is too funny. Thanks for sharing. Hmm.
    @Gina my husband is a food snob, too. We won't eat potluck or from strangers either.

    Again true statements.

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  7. Hahahaha. "Are you some kind of pervert?" I also liked Gina's phrasing: "weirdo hornball." :)

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  8. This just made my morning :D I don't even count as a critique partner but I'm fairly sure my mom would put Godiva truffles on the pillows at our house.

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  9. Um, of course we're friends. Duuuuh.

    :)

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  10. Love this! I'm getting the chocolates ready.

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  11. Hahahahahaha! Snort. Hahahahahaha! Oh my gosh. This was hilarious! I love it! This questionnaire should definitely be used by all.

    And thanks for your enthusiasm on my blog! Especially since it was the first comment on my announcement post. You kept me smiling forever.

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  12. @Chessie - Um...I can't actually remember. I might have made that up. #creeptastic

    @Hirsch (It's A, right?) Tell Ima Hirsch I'll be over sometime in March. That's about when I'll hit the end of my rope. <3

    @Jenny - <3

    @Heidi - Did you enjoy how I just assumed you would answer "C?"

    @Peggy - GAH YOU'RE LIKE FAMOUS NOW. Ahem. Yeah. Pass along the survey, pleaseandthankyou.

    @Raven - <3

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  13. Hilarious. I was almost always choosing the last one for my CP's. But I have had some other CP's where we just werent jiving so well. Congrats on your 7th Anniversary! Coincidence???

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  14. Oh, this is so funny! I have a new crit partner and I'm going to send her this.

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  15. LeighAnn, this is hilarious...my CPs and I are all number 3s!

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